Several minutes had passed and we sat in an awkward silence, you could cut the tension with a knife. It was that thick! Finally, I got the courage to sit up and grab the picnic basket and turn towards Dani. "Are you hungry?" I asked.
She nodded, "Famished." I opened the basket and began to display its contents. I had worked hard on this meal, using my best chef skills to make it. I dished some of the food for her and handed her the plate. She smiled in thank sand then I poured her a drink. I opted out of an alcoholic beverage because I wanted to be clear minded and I had to be able to drive. So, would she eventually. We ate in companionable silence as the sun continued on its path across the sky.
We made casual conversation for the rest of the meal. The more time I spent around her, the stronger my feelings became. That night I felt as if my heart would burst from my chest with the agony of waiting. There were times I thought I glimpsed that she might have stronger feelings for me but held herself back. It was so frustrating! Whenever I wanted to just tell her how I felt lyrics from one of Ed's songs would get stuck in my head. They said, "Mustn't get our feet we, 'cause that leads to regret, diving in too soon". Automatically, I would hesitate and decide to just enjoy her friendship for now. It took all my self-control to not tell her or give a hint. Even thought this romantic date I had brought her on was kind of a big hint. I didn't realize I was brooding until Dani leaned forward to look me in the eyes and asked, "What's bothering you so much that you've gone so far away, Harry?"
My eyes connected with hers and she smiled sweetly which I returned. "It's nothing, really," I replied, brushing off her concern.
Her brow furrowed in unbelief. "I may not have known you for very long but I can always tell when something is bothering you. Now spill the beans or I will force it out of you."
My chest tightened in panic. I wasn't ready to tell her my feelings. I searched for a partial truth of something that was believable to be bothering me. I scrambled desperately through my brain trying to find something, anything! Then it hit me, Larry Stylinson. It came up every so often and to be honest it did hurt. There was a strain on my friendship with Louis because of it. I hardly ever spent time with him anymore. We used to be inseparable once but now out of fear and respect for Eleanor, I backed off. It hurt to lose one of my best mates because of a joke that went too far. I told Dani all about it then and she bought it. It was true, still is sometimes but in that moment I had barely escaped telling her how I felt about her. To be honest, I felt relief but I would come to regret not telling her in that moment for years to come.
A month later, I slammed my apartment door shut behind me. The walls vibrated from the impact and I felt like screaming or punching something! I was such an idiot! Telling everyone that she was just my friend and lying about having further intentions. I'd probably lost her for forever now! I grabbed something off a table in my living room and chucked it. Hearing the crash sent me reeling. I ran my fingers roughly through my hair tugging at my strands of hair. Of all the people for her to be with, I hardly thought it would be my mate from my hometown! My heart ached and I crumbled into a fetal position, fighting back the tears that threatened to surface. I dragged my hands through my hair again and then covered my face as the tears rolled down my cheeks freely now. I begged for the aching to stop but it relentlessly trudged on, tearing every little bit of my heart and soul into shreds. I punched the ground next to me only toh it something adnt hen Ed Sheeran's album played loudly enough that I could hear the lyrics. They penetrated my mind with poignance and my sorrow only deepened. I could hear my phone ringing but I ignored it by tossing it across the room. I didn't care if it broke, I could easily replace it.
Several minutes later I laid on my back on the floor. Tears still coming and my breathing still ragged. I heard someone knock on my door but ignored it. It continued, the knocking turning eventually into pounding. "Harry!" Someone exclaimed. "Harry open the door! I know you're in there! I can hear your music!" By then I knew it was Dani and my heart lept and I frowned deeper. Her pounding continued for a few more minutes and then dissipated. I raised my head wondering why she had given up so quickly.
Slowly I got to a sitting position and then forced myself to stand. I wiped my tears from my face and looked through the peep hole in my door. I didn't see her and leaned my back against the door sighing then resting my head against the door. I then heard approaching footsteps in the hall and realized she had gon to get the spark key I'd accidently left in her car. She was going to get in and I wouldn't be able to stop her. Immediately, I went to hide behind my counter in the kitchen. I heard her struggling with the lock and I took a deep breath. The door creaked open and she called for me. I held my breath, having no intention of answering her. "Harry Edward Styles! I know you're in here! Come sit by me on the couch and we can talk," she said. I heard her settle on the couch and my stomach clenched.
"What if I don't want to talk, Dani?! Did you ever think I might not want to talk or even see you again?" My tone came out harsher than I planned but my heart was still hurting and she didn't understand. I didn't know if I could tell her now after what I had just discovered earlier today.
"Harry, you're my friend. I deserve an explanation," she said calmly. I groaned as I stood up and shuffled my way over to her. I plopped down as far away from her as I could on the couch. Her eyes widened and her brow furrowed when she saw my swollen red eyes and the tracks my tears had left on my flushed face. She scooted closer to me and I flinched involuntarily. From the corner of my eyes, I saw her hesitate to reach out to me and place her hand on my shoulder or arm. Instead, she brought her hand back to her lap and clasped the together tightly, pain evidently written on her face. Her pain only fueled my anger. Why did she have the right to feel bad when she was happy with Max, while I was being left to hang dry?! "Harry, what's wrong?" she whispered.
I turned towards her, eyes blazing. She flinched back in surprise at my anger. "You really have no idea, do you?" She shook her head. I stood up and started pacing. "How could you know? It's not like I ever told you! I mean I thought it was obvious in my advances how I felt about you," I rambled.
She stood up, gaining back her confidence and stopped my pacing with a single touch. I refused to look at her though, so she placed both her hands on either side of my face to make me look at her. Her eyes had turned to a light blue and they glistened with her own tears. "Harry, what feelings? I thought we were just friends and that there was nothing romantic between us. Max and I have been together since before I moved out here. I can't help it if I am tor... If I'm already with somebody else."
I jumped at her obvious slip up. "How come you never told me about him? Not even once was he mentioned to me. We were constantly texting or talking on the phone. How did you even have time to spend with him without me noticing?" I knew I had cornered her when her eyes turned blue with yellow outlining her pupils and her hands fell to her sides. Her mouth worked but no words came out. "Come on! Tell me! You wanted the truth from me! Now I want the truth from you, Dani!"
She took a step back and looked down at her feet. "I didn't want you to know about him," she whispered. Shock vibrated through my limbs. Did I hear her correctly or was I imagining things? When her eyes came up to connect with mine, they were a deep green and tears were rolling down her cheeks like little diamonds. I caught my breath not trusting my eyes or ears anymore. She took a step or so forward until she was standing so close, she had to look up at me. Her hand reached for mine and I was too shocked to protest as she held it in hers and gazed back up into my eyes. "I didn't want you to know about him because despite he and I being in a relationship... I was falling for you, Harry, and hard. I may have laughed at your attempts at sweet talking me and you flirting but inside I was crumbling like a warm cookie. That day in the woods, I hoped you would tell me if you had any real intentions for me. When you said nothing, I thought you just weren't ready yet. As days and days went by and still you continued to be silent. I thought I was falling for you but the longer you kept quiet, the less sure I was. I decided to just focus on Max because I was so unsure about you." She paused and I just stood there in utter shock. "You have no one to blame but yourself for this outcome, Harry."
I sucked in my breath and finally came to my senses. I brought my empty hand forward and placed it on the side of her face. "None of that matters now, Dani! Now that you know how I feel and I know how you feel, we can be together. We can move forward and explore what we might have." She was already shaking her head but I had a new-found hope now. It filled my frame and brought stars to my eyes. "Don't you see it? We can finally fix everything and be together."
"No, Harry, no we can't," she said shaking her head. I finally focused on her face to see more tears and pain. "It's too late. The school year is over and so is my time here as a study abroad student. I'm going back to California... and Max... Max is coming with me."
"No," I whispered in defeat and slumped my shoulders forward. I dropped my hand and I fought back the tears again. The hope that had just filled me with joy had disappeared in a matter of a few seconds.
"I was trying to tell you before you got angry and drove off earlier. I never wanted to hurt you," she whispered. If I had felt crushed before now I was shattered. I felt like the walls were slowly closing in and I had to hold back the tidal waves of raw emotion coming. Not only had I lost her but she would be out of reach for me to try and fix what I'd broken. I looked up to meet her gaze knowing the emotion I was feeling was evident in my eyes. She visibly swallowed and more tears fell from the puddles formed in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Harry," she choked out. I just shook my head. I was completely deflated. "I wish I didn't see that much pain in your eyes. I wish I could fix it."
"Well, you can't," I replied quietly. She sobbed once and I flinched at the display of her pain. I reached forward caressing her cheek with my thumb. She leaned her head into my palm and closed her eyes letting more tears escape down her cheeks. I suddenly had a desire to do something before I never had the chance to do it ever again. I didn't know how she would react so I took a deep breath and went for it. I shifted my weight forward and guided her closer to me. Her eyes shot open when she felt herself being moved. I lowered my head down, the evidence of my intentions clear on my expression. She raised her head, giving in. I didn't know why she did but when my lips met hers, the lyrics coming out of my stereo said, "Kiss me, Like you wanna be loved... wanna be loved... wanna be loved, This feels like falling in love, falling in love, falling in love..."
The was everything I'd imagined and more. The only thing wrong was the situation and timing. I never forgot Dani or the way I felt about her. Even years down the road, I still looked back at that moment and cursed myself for my stupidity. There were so many things I would've done differently. I wondered if I would ever get a second chance to make things right... I highly doubted I would though...
(Just wanted to add a little note down here. There is another chapter coming, so no worries. But something ironic happened when I wrote the end part of this chapter were Ed Sheeran's lyrics from Kiss Me are typed. As I typed the lyrics, the song of Ed Sheeran's song was playing and it sang them as I wrote them. How poignant is that???)
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