Chapter Eight: False Hope

I arrived at her apartment, nerves making my limbs wobbly. Over two times, I almost dropped our food heading into the building. Just getting to her apartment complex wasn’t easy. To get the food, I had to dodge paps and anyone else who stared for too long. I felt like a spy, even though I really wasn’t. Then there was navigating through the insanely busy streets of LA while trying to listen and follow the direction of my GPS. I was lucky I didn’t crash my car, although there was several times where I thought I just might do that. On top of it all, I was nervous about talking to Dani. I was going to have to be honest, which normally wasn’t a big deal but when your hearts on the line, I tend to keep mine private and safe. There was so much to catch up on since I’d last seen her: Niall had been in two relationships, with fans no less. Louis and Eleanor had tied the knot and Zayn had moved through three girlfriends. The only ones who hadn’t changed were Danielle and Liam, and then there was me. Well that wasn’t quite true; I had changed in a way. I was more mature; I understood myself better and what I wanted and what I didn’t want. I’d felt the tentacles of fame strangling me just after everything with Dani had occurred; I’d been forced into a relationship for publicity reasons. She was a really sweet girl, who worked hard to be where she was but there wasn’t a spark and I had felt trapped. I’d been overjoyed when it had ended, even though, through it all she’d become a good friend. I then reached apartment 2 only to realize it was 2A, she hadn’t given me the letter. I whipped out my phone and dialed her number. “Hello,” came her sing song voice.

“Hey, um… which apartment 2 are you in?” I asked teasingly.

“Oh, I forgot the letter,” she giggled. Chills ran up my spine and I felt melancholic at the sound of her laughter. “It’s 2H, so I am up on floor eight.”

“Okay, see you soon,” I chuckled.

“Yeah, see you soon, Harry,” she echoed and then hung up. I searched for the elevator then and once I found it, I pressed the ascend button. I waited not so patiently for it to arrive. My stomach was grumbling in hunger and nerves. The elevator beeped and I entered. Riding it up, I only became more anxious. So much so, that the palms of my hands had become clammy. The elevator reached the floor and dinged. I walked out and when I reached apartment 2H, I knocked. I could hear music playing on the other side of the door. The music was then turned down and I could hear the locks of the door clicking. My anticipation grew as the door swung inward and I saw… My face fell; a guy had answered the door. For a second I was worried he I had gotten the wrong room.

He gave me a puzzled look, before he called over his shoulder, “Dani, there’s someone at the door.” I knew I wasn’t mistaken then, it was the apartment Dani had told me.

She appeared around the corner and her eyes lit up exactly the way they did all those years ago. “Harry! You made it!” she exclaimed gleefully.

“Yeah,” I replied uncertainly. “I didn’t know I needed to get food for three.”

She giggled, “You didn’t. Dale was on his way out, weren’t you love?”

He nodded and put his hand out of me to shake. He was a burley guy with beefy arms and short cropped brown hair. His eyes were hazel but they seemed to hold a lot of contempt in them and immediately I felt intimidated. “Dani has told me a lot about you, Harry. It’s nice to finally meet you,” he said with a smirk on his face.

“I’m sorry that I can’t say the same. Well, Dani hasn’t mentioned you, is what I mean,” I stumbled.

He laughed and I jumped in surprise from how loud it was. Dani smiled and said, “Come on in, Harry.” I began my way in but froze when Dale gave Dani a quick kiss and wiggled his way out the door. “He has to go to work,” she said and I realized I’d been staring at Dale’s departing figure. I swallowed the lump in my throat and I could feel the back of my eyes burning. There I was thinking she’d be mind for the taking and I came to find her heart belonged to another. I was too late again. I felt like someone had jabbed a knife up my rib cage and torn my heart from my chest. I followed her into her apartment. We sat down across from each other to eat. I felt like shutting down and blowing her off by giving some lame excuse. The idea was extremely compelling and I almost gave in, but I didn’t.

I had made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it took to have Dani as my own. Dale was simply a setback that was all. I would just have to work harder and be a bit cleverer in my advances. I smiled at Dani charmingly, “Is dinner to your liking?”

She nodded, “It’s my absolute favorite.”

“I know, you told me,” I chuckled.

“Oh right,” she giggled. After that she became quiet for several minutes. “Harry,” she finally said.

“Hm...” I replied raising my eyebrows.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Dale,” she said quietly. Her crossed legs were bouncing as she played with her food. In her other hand she was rubbing her ear lobe, her brow was furrowed and she was chewing on her bottom lip. Immediately, I knew she was feeling stressed and worried.

“Dani,” I said, making her look up at me, “Stop stressing and worrying about it because I know now. How long have you two been together?’ I smiled and she relaxed. It was weird how tense she got when she hadn’t told me about her relationship with Dale. We hadn’t had the best of conversations the times we had actually seen each other.

“Four months, actually,” she replied and then she took a bite.

“Only four months and you’re already living together?” I asked, raising my eyebrows in surprise.

She shrugged, “Dale wanted to.”

I saw my opening in the shrug of her shoulders. “Didn’t you want to?” She shrugged again. “Why did you if you didn’t want to?”

“Because it’s within walking distance of my work and the college, plus it sounded like a good idea at the time,” she shrugged again.

“That doesn’t sound like a good enough reason to move in with someone. You’re missing a very important detail,” I commented with a smirk on my face.

She stared me down. “Okay then, what is a good reason and what am I missing?”

I leaned back and crossed my arms to make it appear like I was thinking. I sat up straight suddenly and her gaze shot to mine. “Love, Dani. The only reason I would ever have my girlfriend move in with me would be if we truly, deeply loved each other and were planning on spending the rest of our lives together. Only then would I consider living together.” For a long time, she just stared at me with this look of wonder on her face. Finally, I asked, “What?”

“You’ve changed, Mr. Styles,” she replied coyly.

I stared deeply into her eyes, trying to make her feel how I felt for her when I said, “You’d be surprised how much some of me hasn’t changed, Miss Sams.”

He cheeks flushed and I knew she’d received my message. She played with her food and I knew she was contemplating, so I left her and her thoughts in peace. I would win her back; I knew she still had feeling for me because neither of us had received any closure. After several minutes of silence, we had completed our meal and I began to clean up. I was throwing away the containers in the rubbish, when Dani came up behind me. I turned and started a bit at her close proximity. “Harry,” she began. “I don’t know if I should do this but…” She took a step closer and as I looked into her eyes I knew what was coming. I, as well, didn’t know if it was a good idea but you could still feel the static in the air when we were alone. Our chemical attraction was unmistakable, it was thrilling and passionate.  A single touch from her sent my body into a flurry of nerves and gooseflesh. As she placed her hand on my arm and reached up to the tip of her toes, my body reacted. I moved in closer, placed my hands on her waist and pulled her up against me. Our breaths mingled together in the heated empty space between our lips. For several seconds, we both wondered if we should really do this. I wouldn’t be hurting anyone but she was with Dale and I didn’t want to cause any problems for her. I don’t know how long we stood like that before Dani whispered, “Screw it,” and she pressed her lips against mine.

For the second time in my life, I felt like I was complete and I’d found where I’d belonged. And it was right here with Dani with her by my side I could accomplish anything and conquer everything. There was not a doubt in my mind that we were made for each other. Dale or no Dale, she was mine.

Chapter Seven: Impatience

I tossed and turned the night after. The look in her eyes haunting my thoughts. I couldn’t figure out why she had reacted the way she did. If she no longer felt the way she had said in that first email, how come she ran out the she had. She even remembered my quirks. How could someone remember those things if they still didn’t feel something for that person. I, myself, could still remember when she was stressed out she would bounce her legs and chew on the inside of her bottom lip. When she was concerned her brow would furrow and she’d rub her right earlobe with her thumb and forefinger. I could still remember the way her eyes lit up every time she saw me or the way her voice sounded on the phone and I would immediately recognize the smile in her voice; the way her melodic rang in my ears and echoed throughout a room. It didn’t matter how much time had passed, I still remember her as if three years ago had happened yesterday. I knew she was still in love with her, as much now as then. The hair on my arms and the back of my neck would stand on end, just when I would think about her. As I started to feel my eyes droop that night, my alarm blared. It was time to get up already and go to rehearsals. Crap! I haven’t received a wink of sleep. I was definitely going to be a space cadet today, I thought.

I quickly got dressed and raced down to where we all got in the car and headed to the arena to rehearse. On the way we grabbed some McDonald’s and ate in the car. When we arrived, we were rushed in and got all set up and plugged in so we could properly rehearse. Niall was joking and laughing around with Josh and the other band members, while I was getting hooked up with my in ears.  We got in position and then my mind just wandered. I couldn’t stop thinking about Dani and all the things I probably missed out on with her and if she still even loved me. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and it was trying to figure out how to get her back, but I just didn’t know how.

Someone slugged me in the arm and I jumped coming out of my thoughts. I’d been in the midst of remembering what I’d been thinking about last night and with that slug in the arm, I finally came to a conclusion. She was still in love with me! My heart soared and my stomach leapt. I felt like jumping in the air and running around in circles while singing the sappiest love songs to the boys. There was nothing that could stop me now. I knew she loved me that was the only answer, nothing else fit. Suddenly, I was hit in the arm again and Louis said, “Oi! Harry! Earth to Harry! C’mon man, we’re trying to rehearse for the concert and you keep missing all your ques!”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. We’d been rehearsing all morning and we were about to take a break for lunch. I couldn’t believe how fast the time had passed and how I hadn’t been here mentally all morning long. I couldn’t even quite remember getting here. I’d been so absorbed with my thoughts of Dani that I’d completely tuned out everyone else.

“Are you alright, mate?” Niall asked concerned as he stood by me. I nodded and then he added, “I ask because you just don’t seem all here today.”

“Yeah, I am stuck in my head,” I agreed. He went to say something else but the music started and I made sure I focused on what I was supposed to do this time. An hour or two later, a bunch of pizza boxes were delivered and as they came in the doors we could hear the fans outside.

When it reached us, Niall exclaimed, “Awesome!!! I’m absolutely starving!” Before eating, I went to Paul and got Dani’s number from him. As I was walking away, I finally thought it odd that he would have Dani’s number. I decided to ask him later because right then I was just as hungry as everyone else. Also, if I wanted some pizza, I needed to get it now. I could see from where I was that Niall was going to eat until he was bursting.

After we finished eating, we did a couple more hours of rehearsal and then we had the rest of the day off. In the car heading back to the hotel, I sent a text to Dani. It simply read: “Hey, it’s Harry. Paul gave me your number. Idk how he got it but he does… To keep this short… We need to talk. I am free for the rest of the day. Plz get back to me. X J”  I hovered over the send button, taking in a deep breath I tapped on it.

Shortly after, we arrived at the hotel. We entered through the back door. All the boys wanted to spend some time swimming then. I’d agreed, knowing that going for a swim would be loads of fun. We snuck our way to the elevators and headed up. We were walking down the hall when Paul said, “Get ready to go to the pool but wait until we have cleared it out before you come down. You’ll know when.” We all nodded, showing we understood. It was normal procedure and after five years, we were all used to it.

We all separated to go into our separate suites. I entered mine with a sigh then tried to search through my mess of a bag for my swimming trunks. Once I found them, I quickly changed into them, grabbed a towel, threw on a tank top and headed out to the living room. I put my work phone on the hutch and my iPod while I kept my personal phone on my person. I was hoping Dani would reply soon and I wanted to keep it close just in case she did. My work phone buzzed and I checked it to see an “all clear” from Paul.

As I exited, I met up with the boys and we made our way, along with our security guys to the pool. We had to pass by a bunch of fans. They were all screaming or hollering for us to sign something or take a picture with them. I was feeling gracious, so I signed a few things and took several pictures. All the other guys were doing the same. You could tell a lot of the fans were freaking out because we were all in our swim wear. I found that amusing. We tore ourselves away and waved goodbye as we entered the pool area.

As I placed my towel on a lounge chair and proceeded to take off my tank top, my phone buzzed. My heart began to pound as I brought it up so I could see who it was from. I felt disappointed that it wasn’t from Dani but happy to hear from my sister, Gemma. Since I knew she didn’t expect a reply from me for a while, I placed my phone on my towel and proceeded to go to the pool. I tossed my tank top on the chair as well and turned to get in the pool. Niall and Louis were already rough housing and the pool area echoed with their laughter.

Once in the pool, I joined in on the messing around. Before we knew it, all of our stomachs were growling with hunger pains. Only when it became unbearable did we decide to get out and get something to eat. Drying off my torso and hair, I heard Niall laughing over the fact that Liam had slipped and fell back in the pool. The rest of us were chuckling and I put my tank top back on after I’d wrapped my towel around my waist.

I picked up my phone and began to check it. There were two new messages, one from my mum and another from Gemma. I felt my heart sink just a bit more when there wasn’t anything from Dani. I replied back to both my mum and Gemma as we left the pool. Niall and Louis were trying to decide what we should eat. Niall usually had to think of all his options when we were in LA because there wasn’t a Nandos in America.

When we reached our floor, I excused myself from their decision making to go shower. While in the shower, I felt anxious. Why wasn’t she answering my text? Was she ignoring me like I did to her for all those years? I really needed to speak with her before I headed back to London. I finished my shower and quickly got dressed. I felt jittery like I needed to constantly keep myself occupied. I headed to Niall’s room, which was where we had decided on meeting to eat.

On my way there, my personal phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and when I read who it was from, my heart constricted and my stomach flipped. I stopped walking and opened the message from Dani. It read: “You’re right. We do need to talk. I’m free in about thirty minutes. Do you want to meet somewhere or you come here or I there?”

I looked up to see Paul heading my way, “Hey Paul,” I said. He acknowledged me by looking at me and I continued, “Is there any way I can go out tonight?”

Paul nodded, “Yes, just as long as Andy goes with you.”

“Oh… uh… well I was hoping to go lone wolf because I am going to be seeing Dani,” I said.

His eyebrows rose in understanding. “I see… Well it’s just we don’t want you to get mauled by fans or the paps.”

“What if I were to pick up some take out and go to her place?” I countered.

Paul nodded and smiled, “Yes that should work. Should I have your car pulled up?”

I nodded and thanked him. For a split second I thought it strange to have one of my cars here but then again it was known that I would want to use one. Normally when we were in America, I liked to go off on my own. I continued on to Niall’s room to let the boys know I wouldn’t be joining them for dinner. On my way there I sent a reply to Dani. It said: “How about we do it at your place? That way we won’t be bothered. How do you feel about Chinese?”

As I entered Niall’s room, my phone buzzed with her answer. “Alright, I live in Apartment 2 of the Glendhill complex. You can GPS it ;) also make sure you get take out from Pei Wei (it’s Thai but it works) and I love the Kung Pao chicken with broccoli ;)” I laughed at how specific she had to be. I was more than happy to oblige her though.

“What are you chuckling, Haz?” Louis asked.

“Dani,” I simply answered. The all gave me curious looks and I added, “Oh also, I won’t be eating with you guys tonight. I am going over to her place. We need to have a chat. She was telling me what she wanted and from where for dinner.”

Louis raised his eyebrows up and down teasing me. I ignored him and replied to Dani’s text. I said: “Alright lol, so I’ll show up around 6 then?” I looked back up at Louis and the other who were mocking what I’d just been doing. “Ha ha, very funny,” I said with sarcasm.

“So, I have a question,” Zayn said. I nodded and he continued, “Do you still have like feelings for her?”

I paused to seem like I was thinking even though every fiber of my being was screaming, YES! “Yes, I believe I am still very much in love with her,” I replied. The boys then wolf whistled and teased me to no end. I just shook my head and said, “I have to get going. She’s waiting for me.” They teased even more, I just shook my head and walked out the door. I was on my way to Dani. I’d promised myself years ago that if I ever found her, there was no way I was ever going to let her go again. That was a promise I intended to keep and bring to pass somehow that day. 

Chapter Six: A Surprise Visitor

I swear I just stood staring at her flabbergasted for several minutes before she chuckled uncomfortably and said, “Uh, can I come in?”

I took a step back and she walked in, wringing her hands together. Shaking my head and blinking rapidly to bring myself back to earth, I gently closed the door. As I turned around to head back into the main part of my suite, I texted Paul saying, “Never mind”. Shuffling, I made my way over to where she was standing but kept my distance and kept quiet. I didn’t know what to say to her. I had expected a text or maybe even a phone call but not an unexpected visit to my hotel room. How did she even know where I was staying and which room it was? “How…” I began.

“How did I figure out where you were staying?” She interrupted. I nodded stupidly, still in shock that she was even here. “Come on, Harry! As if the thousands of girls outside isn’t an obvious sign and to be honest all I had to do was ask an update account on Twitter. They gave it to me immediately,” she said sounding a bit amused with herself.

“Oh,” I replied. I furrowed my brow and went to sit in one of the single cushion chairs so she wouldn’t be able to sit close to me. I ran a hand through my hair and then fixed it afterwards.

She sat down in the chair next to me and asked, “Are you alright? You only ever run your hand through your hair and then fix it when you’re upset about something.” I gazed at her in bewilderment. How could she possibly still remember? We hadn’t seen each other in over three years. She averted her eyes and I watched as her cheeks flushed. She cleared her throat and said quietly, “Just because I haven’t seen you in quite some time, Harry doesn’t mean I don’t remember you and your quirks.” Once again, I couldn’t find anything to say back. I was never at a loss for words… Okay I take that back, sometimes I am. We sat quietly and finally, she groaned and stood up quickly. She stood over me with her hands on her hips and glared down at me. “Will you please say something?! I am dying over here!”

I felt anger swell in my chest but I held it at bay and stood up so I towered over her. I was a good fifteen and a half centimeters taller than her. She craned her neck back slightly to keep our gaze locked. “What do you want me to say, Dani? You show up here unexpected and expect me to act as if no time has passed as if there isn’t any residual hurt left behind. I can’t do that, I still am trying to wrap my mind around the idea that you’re even here. So yeah, I am finding it difficult to find words to say something.”

She took a step back, shocked. Her eyes began to shine as tears built up in her tear ducts. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you would still even care.”

“Of course I care, Dani. You know me!” I said, trying to keep my voice from rising in volume. 

She shook her head and looked back up at me, a glint in her eye. “How was I supposed to know you still cared, Harry? For over a year, I emailed you almost every month and not once did you ever reply! What was I supposed to think?”

I sighed, “I know. I don’t blame you. I was a complete git.”

“You’re right you were but I also understand that you were hurt because I was as well,” she replied quietly as she shuffled her feet and stared at the ground.

I started to reach out for her but thought better of it and retracted my hand, “I know before you got here, I had just finished reading through all of the emails I ignored of yours over the years.”

She jumped and stared at a look of slight horror on her face. “You did?!” I nodded and she continued, “I didn’t think you kept them…”

“I did. I think we need to talk, Dani,” I said.

She was shaking her head determinedly now and backing up to the door. “I can’t… I can’t do this right now.” Once the words left her mouth, she turned and ran out of the room. Without a moment of hesitation, I was chasing after her.

There were a few security guys outside in the hallway and when Dani ran passed them obviously upset and then I came quickly after, they tried to stop me. I believe I shoved several of them away and said, “Dani! Wait!” She didn’t take the elevator, she threw the stair door open and began her descent with me on her heels. We got to the first floor and she burst through the door before me and as I went out, someone grabbed me. I turned on him to see Paul. “Paul, let me go! I have to go after her!” I said in hysterics. I couldn’t let her get away again! I wouldn’t allow it!

“Harry, there is paparazzi out there. You can’t be seen chasing after a girl they haven’t ever seen before,” he reasoned.

I squirmed in his grip. “But I have to, Paul. It was Dani.”

“I know it was. I gave her permission to go up. You have her email and I have her cell number. You can reach her that way, Harry,” he reasoned once again.

I calmed down a plan formulating in my mind. “Okay, will you let me go now?” Paul nodded and as soon as he let me go, I raced outside. I looked from left to right trying to find Dani, but she was long gone. “No, this can’t be happening,” I groaned. I placed both of my hands on top of my head and looked around with a distraught expression on my face. People were flashing their cameras and I groaned. I turned back around and went back into the hotel. I could hear fans screaming at me but I just looked in their direction, smiled, and waved as I continued on my way. I got to the elevators and pressed the up button. I stood their feeling completely distraught. The doors opened to an elevator on my right and I entered. Once in, I groaned once again and said, “I can’t believe I lost her again! Ugh! Why?!” I pounded my fist on the wall next to me and then just took a deep calming breath.

My mind was running a million miles and minute. I was trying to figure out what to do and then it finally hit me: I found her once, I’d find her again! There was no way I was going to let her get away! I loved her too much! The elevator doors opened on my floor and I strutted to my suite with a new found conviction. I was going to find her and I was going to fix this. I didn’t care how long it took me; I loved her too much to just let her get away again!

Chapter Five: Regret and Guilt

That night I was sitting alone in my hotel room. I could hear the boys in their suites next door laughing and enjoying themselves. For some reason I couldn’t get myself to join them. I had a continual thought running through my mind of Dani saying, “I emailed you for your number but you never replied.” I know I hadn’t replied; I never did after that night three years ago.

Now here I was sitting on the couch, staring at my laptop. I had opened the folder where I’d saved all of the emails she’d sent me and yet none of them had been read.  I just stared at them wondering if I should read them or not. I didn’t want to dig up all the old pain I buried because I’d buried it for the purpose of staying that way. I wondered what she had said in any of these; there were about twenty-five emails. Yes, there were that many of them unread. I wondered if one of the emails contains what she felt was so important that she needed to speak to me about it, in person.

I think I was sitting there for over an hour, debating whether or not to actually read the emails, when I finally opened the first unread email. It was dated three days after that night. It wasn’t very long. I could almost imagine her writing and rewriting it, trying to find the right wording for what she wanted to say. I remembered during that time she’d been trying to reach me but I would ignore her calls and texts. The email read:

From: Dani Sams

To: Harry Styles

 I really wish you would stop ignoring me, Harry. I don’t want to have to say what I want to say via an email. Although since you don’t seem to want to give a choice in that, I suppose I will have to do it this way.

I’m sorry, Harry! I don’t think when we met each other we would end up breaking each other’s hearts. I wish I had met you first before Max because then maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. I love you, Harry! I really do! Unfortunately, Max found me first and we waited too long after we met to share our feelings for each other. I don’t know if you will even answer this or read it. In fact, I’m pretty sure you will ignore this email. But I wanted to somehow know that I did everything I could to tell you… I’m in love with you, Mr. Styles, madly, passionately, inconsolably in love with you. I would leave Max in a heartbeat right now if you asked me to! I realized today that I don’t feel the same way for him as I do for you… Please read this before it’s too late… I miss my best friend…

Love,

Danibear <3

I couldn’t breathe. She was in love with me or had been when she wrote the email. Oh how I wished I’d not ignored that email! I could’ve been with her all this time if I had only read and replied. “Idiot!” I hissed angrily to myself. I clicked to read the next email which was dated a week after the other one.

From: Dani Sams

To: Harry Styles

I’m guessing since I haven’t heard from you, you’ve either ignored my last email or you really don’t care about me in that way. I am honestly hoping the latter is not the case.

The only reason I’m emailing you again (which you will probably ignore anyway) is to let you know what happened last night. I broke up with Max. I just felt him moving to LA with me was a mistake, especially when I didn’t have any feelings for him anymore. I can’t stop thinking about. I feel awful about what happened between us.

Please answer me! I don’t know what else to say and you won’t answer my calls or texts.

Love,

Danibear <3

I read through so many of the emails and by the end, she was saying how done she was hoping I would reply to her. Also she said at the end, “This is my final goodbye. I won’t email you anymore. I won’t bother you; I won’t even try and get ahold of you on twitter. I hope you’re happy Harry. I really do. I love you and wish you all the happiness in the world. Goodbye, Love, Danibear.”

Tears were now clouding my vision. I was literally pounding my fist on my thigh because of my stupidity. I had been so worried about my own pain and reading her say over and over again that we had no chance of it working out between us…  I’d completely missed my second chance at happiness with Dani. I couldn’t take any more of these heart wrenching emails. There was one thing I knew for sure; I was an absolute moron!

I stood up quickly while shutting my laptop in anger and tossed it onto the couch beside me. I paced the room, running my fingers through my hair. I was furious with myself and my stupidity. I needed to get out of my room and just take a walk in the cool night air. I quickly texted Paul that I was going out and as I was putting on a light jumper, a knock echoed through my room. I was expecting to see one of the security guys, specifically Andy, he always seemed to go everywhere with me. I hurried over to the door to open it and when I did I saw someone I wasn’t expecting to see.

“Hello Harry.”

My mind and body froze. I couldn’t think of what to say and when I did finally get something out, it was a pained voice which whispered as I released a held breath of air, “Dani.”

Chapter 4: Three Years Come and Gone

I sat in my hotel room, three years later with Niall and Louis just chilling in LA before we were meant to go to rehearsals. I'd spaced off again, remember Dani and knowing she was going to school near here. I sighed out loud and Louis said, "It's happening again."

"What?" I asked innocently.

"You're thinking about her again, aren't you?" He asked. I shook my head. "Yes you are, Harry. Every time we come to LA you get that far away look in your eyes and we all know you're thinking about Dani."

I flinched at the sound of her name; I hadn't been able to say it since that night but she was always in the back of my mind. I couldn't do anything without some random memory of her popping up in my head and making me melancholic. It had been three years and I still hadn't moved on. Everything just seemed to stop; even the fans knew there was something wrong with me. I kept hearing how much they missed the old me and how much I'd changed. I didn't know what to tell them because I hadn't told anyone but the boys about Dani. "Harry," Niall joked. "Come back to us." I focused on both of their concerned faces and then it seemed like a light bulb turned on in Niall's head. "Hey, we don't have to do any rehearsals today, so why don't we go to Disneyland and maybe get Harry's mind off of, you know who."

"Brilliant," Louis exclaimed as he jumped up. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me up in the next beat, "C'mon, Harry. We're gonna go be kids today and forget about the worries of an adult."

I couldn't help but laugh at my friends and soon enough we had all the boys together and were on our way to Disneyland. The paparazzi had a load of funny pictures by the time we were almost done. We were heading towards Splash Mountain, when I saw Dani ahead of me. I froze mid-stride and just stared, my heart pounding and aching all at once. Liam paused, "What is it Harry?" He followed my gaze and then sucked in his breath when he saw her.

"We can go somewhere else," Louis interjected.

I shook my head, "No it's okay. I need to move on and maybe this will help me do that." We continued on our way forward to the line and I instantly knew we would be standing right behind her in the line for Splash Mountain. In a small way I was excited to see her again but then as I remembered what happened the last time we’d seen each other, I was filled with anxiety. There were many times I would sit and stare at my emails, trying to build up the courage to email her back or I would try and send her a dm on Twitter. I felt my insides torn every time I wouldn’t follow through with it. Now here she was right in front of me and I couldn’t get out a word. I was a failure. Here I was Mr. Harry Styles, the member of the band that every girl wanted to get with, the guy that paparazzi made out to be a womanizer, and yet I couldn’t even talk to the woman I loved because I’d messed up.

We finally reached the back of the line. I wasn’t chatting with the other boys, I was just staring... staring at the back of Dani’s blonde head. Louis patted me on the back and said, “So, how are you enjoying yourself, Harry?”

He said the question loud enough that I knew Dani would for sure hear him. “I’m having loads of fun! I’m glad we had today off to just chill and have fun,” I replied forcing some exuberance into my voice. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dani turn around with a look of utter shock mixed with fear on her face. I don’t know why I would see fear there, but there it was.

She furrowed her brow and asked uncertainly, “Harry?”

I allowed myself to finally look in her direction and as I did, I noticed the boys become very quiet. “Dani?” I said pretending to be surprised. She smiled slowly and then threw her arms around me in a giant hug and I tried not to stiffen when I began to hear camera’s going off. I enjoyed the moment though. Closing my eyes I took in her scent and was surprised to find she smelled the same. Her hair was longer and curlier but still just as soft. As my arms were wrapped around her waist, my hands touched the sides of her hips and I felt myself wishing we had met somewhere private. This was going to be a painful reunion. I had no idea if she was still with Max or what had transpired there. All I knew was that my heart still ached for her after all these years.

She pulled away all of a sudden and I was left being drawn out of my thoughts sharply. “Why didn’t you ever email me back Harry? I’ve missed you, we have so much to catch up on,” she replied with a smile.

I blinked trying to gathering my bearings and say something back. Finally I let them spill out. “Do you still have my number or something? We are here for rehearsals and some promos while we are here. I am only here for a couple of weeks. We get a week off before we start up again and I decided to stay in LA for most of that week,” I said as quickly and as quietly as I could so that paparazzi wouldn’t hear me.

She smiled and said, “No I actually don’t have your number anymore. I dropped my phone in some water a couple years ago and lost quite a bit of numbers, plus you never answered my email asking for your number.”

I blushed in embarrassment. I’d purposely ignored all of her emails. They all sat unopened and unread. “Here give me your phone,” I said. Immediately the boys crowded around so the paparazzi couldn’t see what I was doing. Dani handed me her phone and I quickly inserted my number. “Text me later today and we can see when we can have a chat to catch up.” When I looked back up at her, the expression on her face told me she wanted me to say something more. I swallowed, “I’ve missed you too, Dani, probably more than you think.” Her eyes widened with surprise but before she could say anything she and her friends were next in line for the ride. She waved goodbye, her brows furrowed with not being able to say what she had been thinking. Once she was out of sight, I took a deep breath and sighed. Liam patted my shoulder but didn’t say anything. He knew that I knew what he meant.

The rest of the day spent in the park flew by in a blur. I couldn’t stop thinking about Dani. What was so important to her that we needed to catch up? My chest tightened just at the thought of spending alone time with her. After all these years, she still had that effect on me… I knew I was in even more trouble now of falling in love with her than I was three years ago.

Chapter Three: Confession and Heartache :'(

Several minutes had passed and we sat in an awkward silence, you could cut the tension with a knife. It was that thick! Finally, I got the courage to sit up and grab the picnic basket and turn towards Dani. "Are you hungry?" I asked.

She nodded, "Famished." I opened the basket and began to display its contents. I had worked hard on this meal, using my best chef skills to make it. I dished some of the food for her and handed her the plate. She smiled in thank sand then I poured her a drink. I opted out of an alcoholic beverage because I wanted to be clear minded and I had to be able to drive. So, would she eventually. We ate in companionable silence as the sun continued on its path across the sky.

We made casual conversation for the rest of the meal. The more time I spent around her, the stronger my feelings became. That night I felt as if my heart would burst from my chest with the agony of waiting. There were times I thought I glimpsed that she might have stronger feelings for me but held herself back. It was so frustrating! Whenever I wanted to just tell her how I felt lyrics from one of Ed's songs would get stuck in my head. They said, "Mustn't get our feet we, 'cause that leads to regret, diving in too soon". Automatically, I would hesitate and decide to just enjoy her friendship for now. It took all my self-control to not tell her or give a hint. Even thought this romantic date I had brought her on was kind of a big hint. I didn't realize I was brooding until Dani leaned forward to look me in the eyes and asked, "What's bothering you so much that you've gone so far away, Harry?"

My eyes connected with hers and she smiled sweetly which I returned. "It's nothing, really," I replied, brushing off her concern.

Her brow furrowed in unbelief. "I may not have known you for very long but I can always tell when something is bothering you. Now spill the beans or I will force it out of you."

My chest tightened in panic. I wasn't ready to tell her my feelings. I searched for a partial truth of something that was believable to be bothering me. I scrambled desperately through my brain trying to find something, anything! Then it hit me, Larry Stylinson. It came up every so often and to be honest it did hurt. There was a strain on my friendship with Louis because of it. I hardly ever spent time with him anymore. We used to be inseparable once but now out of fear and respect for Eleanor, I backed off. It hurt to lose one of my best mates because of a joke that went too far. I told Dani all about it then and she bought it. It was true, still is sometimes but in that moment I had barely escaped telling her how I felt about her. To be honest, I felt relief but I would come to regret not telling her in that moment for years to come.


A month later, I slammed my apartment door shut behind me. The walls vibrated from the impact and I felt like screaming or punching something! I was such an idiot! Telling everyone that she was just my friend and lying about having further intentions. I'd probably lost her for forever now! I grabbed something off a table in my living room and chucked it. Hearing the crash sent me reeling. I ran my fingers roughly through my hair tugging at my strands of hair. Of all the people for her to be with, I hardly thought it would be my mate from my hometown! My heart ached and I crumbled into a fetal position, fighting back the tears that threatened to surface. I dragged my hands through my hair again and then covered my face as the tears rolled down my cheeks freely now. I begged for the aching to stop but it relentlessly trudged on, tearing every little bit of my heart and soul into shreds. I punched the ground next to me only toh it something adnt hen Ed Sheeran's album played loudly enough that I could hear the lyrics. They penetrated my mind with poignance and my sorrow only deepened. I could hear my phone ringing but I ignored it by tossing it across the room. I didn't care if it broke, I could easily replace it.

Several minutes later I laid on my back on the floor. Tears still coming and my breathing still ragged. I heard someone knock on my door but ignored it. It continued, the knocking turning eventually into pounding. "Harry!" Someone exclaimed. "Harry open the door! I know you're in there! I can hear your music!" By then I knew it was Dani and my heart lept and I frowned deeper. Her pounding continued for a few more minutes and then dissipated. I raised my head wondering why she had given up so quickly.

Slowly I got to a sitting position and then forced myself to stand. I wiped my tears from my face and looked through the peep hole in my door. I didn't see her and leaned my back against the door sighing then resting my head against the door. I then heard approaching footsteps in the hall and realized she had gon to get the spark key I'd accidently left in her car. She was going to get in and I wouldn't be able to stop her. Immediately, I went to hide behind my counter in the kitchen. I heard her struggling with the lock and I took a deep breath. The door creaked open and she called for me. I held my breath, having no intention of answering her. "Harry Edward Styles! I know you're in here! Come sit by me on the couch and we can talk," she said. I heard her settle on the couch and my stomach clenched.

"What if I don't want to talk, Dani?! Did you ever think I might not want to talk or even see you again?" My tone came out harsher than I planned but my heart was still hurting and she didn't understand. I didn't know if I could tell her now after what I had just discovered earlier today.

"Harry, you're my friend. I deserve an explanation," she said calmly. I groaned as I stood up and shuffled my way over to her. I plopped down as far away from her as I could on the couch. Her eyes widened and her brow furrowed when she saw my swollen red eyes and the tracks my tears had left on my flushed face. She scooted closer to me and I flinched involuntarily. From the corner of my eyes, I saw her hesitate to reach out to me and place her hand on my shoulder or arm. Instead, she brought her hand back to her lap and clasped the together tightly, pain evidently written on her face. Her pain only fueled my anger. Why did she have the right to feel bad when she was happy with Max, while I was being left to hang dry?! "Harry, what's wrong?" she whispered.

I turned towards her, eyes blazing. She flinched back in surprise at my anger. "You really have no idea, do you?" She shook her head. I stood up and started pacing. "How could you know? It's not like I ever told you! I mean I thought it was obvious in my advances how I felt about you," I rambled.

She stood up, gaining back her confidence and stopped my pacing with a single touch. I refused to look at her though, so she placed both her hands on either side of my face to make me look at her. Her eyes had turned to a light blue and they glistened with her own tears. "Harry, what feelings? I thought we were just friends and that there was nothing romantic between us. Max and I have been together since before I moved out here. I can't help it if I am tor... If I'm already with somebody else."

I jumped at her obvious slip up. "How come you never told me about him? Not even once was he mentioned to me. We were constantly texting or talking on the phone. How did you even have time to spend with him without me noticing?" I knew I had cornered her when her eyes turned blue with yellow outlining her pupils and her hands fell to her sides. Her mouth worked but no words came out. "Come on! Tell me! You wanted the truth from me! Now I want the truth from you, Dani!"

She took a step back and looked down at her feet. "I didn't want you to know about him," she whispered. Shock vibrated through my limbs. Did I hear her correctly or was I imagining things? When her eyes came up to connect with mine, they were a deep green and tears were rolling down her cheeks like little diamonds. I caught my breath not trusting my eyes or ears anymore. She took a step or so forward until she was standing so close, she had to look up at me. Her hand reached for mine and I was too shocked to protest as she held it in hers and gazed back up into my eyes. "I didn't want you to know about him because despite he and I being in a relationship... I was falling for you, Harry, and hard. I may have laughed at your attempts at sweet talking me and you flirting but inside I was crumbling like a warm cookie. That day in the woods, I hoped you would tell me if you had any real intentions for me. When you said nothing, I thought you just weren't ready yet. As days and days went by and still you continued to be silent. I thought I was falling for you but the longer you kept quiet, the less sure I was. I decided to just focus on Max because I was so unsure about you." She paused and I just stood there in utter shock. "You have no one to blame but yourself for this outcome, Harry."

I sucked in my breath and finally came to my senses. I brought my empty hand forward and placed it on the side of her face. "None of that matters now, Dani! Now that you know how I feel and I know how you feel, we can be together. We can move forward and explore what we might have." She was already shaking her head but I had a new-found hope now. It filled my frame and brought stars to my eyes. "Don't you see it? We can finally fix everything and be together."

"No, Harry, no we can't," she said shaking her head. I finally focused on her face to see more tears and pain. "It's too late. The school year is over and so is my time here as a study abroad student. I'm going back to California... and Max... Max is coming with me."

"No," I whispered in defeat and slumped my shoulders forward. I dropped my hand and I fought back the tears again. The hope that had just filled me with joy had disappeared in a matter of a few seconds.

"I was trying to tell you before you got angry and drove off earlier. I never wanted to hurt you," she whispered. If I had felt crushed before now I was shattered. I felt like the walls were slowly closing in and I had to hold back the tidal waves of raw emotion coming. Not only had I lost her but she would be out of reach for me to try and fix what I'd broken. I looked up to meet her gaze knowing the emotion I was feeling was evident in my eyes. She visibly swallowed and more tears fell from the puddles formed in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Harry," she choked out. I just shook my head. I was completely deflated. "I wish I didn't see that much pain in your eyes. I wish I could fix it."

"Well, you can't," I replied quietly. She sobbed once and I flinched at the display of her pain. I reached forward caressing her cheek with my thumb. She leaned her head into my palm and closed her eyes letting more tears escape down her cheeks. I suddenly had a desire to do something before I never had the chance to do it ever again. I didn't know how she would react so I took a deep breath and went for it. I shifted my weight forward and guided her closer to me. Her eyes shot open when she felt herself being moved. I lowered my head down, the evidence of my intentions clear on my expression. She raised her head, giving in. I didn't know why she did but when my lips met hers, the lyrics coming out of my stereo said, "Kiss me, Like you wanna be loved... wanna be loved... wanna be loved, This feels like falling in love, falling in love, falling in love..."

The was everything I'd imagined and more. The only thing wrong was the situation and timing. I never forgot Dani or the way I felt about her. Even years down the road, I still looked back at that moment and cursed myself for my stupidity. There were so many things I would've done differently. I wondered if I would ever get a second chance to make things right... I highly doubted I would though...

(Just wanted to add a little note down here. There is another chapter coming, so no worries. But something ironic happened when I wrote the end part of this chapter were Ed Sheeran's lyrics from Kiss Me are typed. As I typed the lyrics, the song of Ed Sheeran's song was playing and it sang them as I wrote them. How poignant is that???)

Chapter Two: My Disappearing Act

I awoke with a smirk on my face. Today was going to be full of mischief. I was supposed to be going to the studio to record a bit more for another day in the past two weeks since I met Dani. But little did fans know and the boys that I wasn't going to show up. Only Paul knew where I was going to be. I told him because I didn't want him to worry when I didn't show up and when none of the fans would be able to find me. To sum it all up, after taking Dani back to her room that night we got to talking and we became really good friends pretty fast.

There was something about her I just couldn't shake. It had been almost two weeks since we first met on that rainy day. My life had been so monotone until she came along. We'd met up a few times over the weeks to chat and hang out. When I wasn't busy we would talk on the phone and when we couldn't talk on the phone we would text.

The times when we had hung out, I made sure it was with a group of friends. The reason for that was so paparazzi wouldn't say we were together and the 1D fans wouldn't send her hate. Also the friend status left us time to get to know each other. I didn't know how she felt about me but I knew how I felt about her. No matter how hard I tried I wanted to always be with her and every time I saw her face my heart would skip and I suddenly felt flustered. I stumbled over my words around her and my usual smooth outward appearance was lost on her. She laughed when I tried to sweet talk her or she would tease  me relentlessly. Even Nick would raise his eyebrows at how my attempts at wooing her flopped every time. Normally any other girl would be flattered by my charms but not Dani. She had such a carefree outlook on life that my charms didn't even phase her. I wracked my brain every night to try and figure out something. Finally I called her up one evening, because it was easier than being caught by photographers outside her apartment.

She answered with a, "Hello, Harry!" I took a deep breath and asked her if she would like to go on an adventure with me the next day. She eagerly agreed which surprised me. So, I made sure she knew it would just be her and I. I heard her laugh at me over the call and I couldn't help but chuckle when she replied, "I know, silly." So the date had been set. I was so relieved and then came the nerves.

I shook myself out of my stupor of thoughts and quickly got out of bed and got ready for the day. I took a little extra time grooming because I was so nervous. I didn't understand why thought, she was just a friend who I had stronger feelings for. I had been in this situation multiple times but never had I ever been this anxious. She did something to me I didn't understand. There was something about her disposition and personality that drew me in and her vigor for life was intoxicating. My only withdrawals were if she felt the same for me as I for her.

Once I was all ready to go, I almost lopped down to the parking lot. I was having Dani pick me up because my vehicle was too recognizable. I was going to drive once she got here thought because she didn't know where we were going. I had a picnic basket full of food and a blanket with my jumper draped over my arm. A smile slid onto my face as I felt excited for some one on one time with Dani.

I heard a car coming and I felt my heart leap when I saw Dani's car pull up and park. She got out a huge grin gracing her face and her eyes sparkling brightly as usual. When she got close, she happily gave me a huge hug and my stomach clenched nervously.I couldn't quite hug her with my arms full but I did the best I could. I took a deep breath taking in her intoxicating scent. She pulled back and said, "It's good to see you, Harry."

"Likewise," I smiled charmingly. She smiled and shook her head as she pressed the button on her keys to open the boot of the car. Once again I was left puzzled from her immunity to my charms. She sauntered over to it and I casually followed. I put the basket and other things in there then asked for the keys. Shaking her head, she tossed me them and got in the passenger side. I was  going to open her door for her but she got in so fast I was left standing idiotically. I finally got myself out of my shocked state and got in her car. I started the car and we pulled out of the parking lot and past the photographers without a single photo being taken. I relaxed after that knowing it would be easier now to be MIA for the rest of the day.

I drove for hours to get  where I wanted to take her and the longer it took the more curious she became. Secretly I enjoyed watching her squirm with impatience. So to prolong the torture, I was making the drive longer than it needed to be. She sat up straight suddenly and said, "Didn't we pass that sign fifteen minutes ago?"

I put an innocent look on my face and replied, "No, you're just seeing things."

She smacked me on the arm. "You liar! You've been driving us in circles for at least an hour because we've passed that sign at least three time!"

I chuckled while rubbing my now sore arm. Jeez, did she have an arm or what! "Okay, okay, you caught me red-handed. I'll go straight there now." Which was exactly what I did. I was taking her to a place near Cheshire I'd found while growing up. I'd never taken anyone there before. I had never even spoken about it to anyone. It had been my get away spot where I could sit and ponder without being bothered. It was a beautiful area on the outskirts of the village up hidden between the hills. I pulled onto a dirt road and Dani perked up. She'd been dozing off and on for the last several minutes. I could see the clearness of her ever-changing eyes go blue with anticipation. It was a clear day in England and I was grateful for the cheery weather.

I parked at the edge of the trees and shut off the engine. Dani was leaning forward in her seat transfixed on the sight before her. I chuckled and got out of the car to take the opportunity to open her door for her. I stood there waiting as she slowly got out. Her mouth was open wide still in awe. You would think she had never seen a forest before in her life. Once she was completely out, I grabbed her jumper off the seat because she left it. I shook my head chuckling as I shut her door and got the stuff out of the boot of the car.

She was still gawking when I came up behind her. I stepped to her side and placed my hand on her shoulder. She jumped so high and turned on me with such a look on her face that I thought she was going to attack me. "Oh... sorry. It's just really pretty. I was remembering something from my childhood."

I nodded in understanding. "Well, come on. We have a ways to walk." I handed her jumper to her and then slung the strap of the blanket over my shoulder and walked.


About twenty minutes later, we entered a clearing where wildflowers were growing everywhere., along the left edge a stream bubbled over rocks creating a trickling background sound. Trees grew a mile high and it felt as if you were insignificant in the world when you stood here and looked up. Birds chirped their cheery songs for the sun and squirrels jumped from tree branch to tree branch to check out the strange visitors there. Dani beamed. "Harry this is beautiful! How did you know this was here?" she inquired as she walked into the clearing and gazed up into the sky once she reached the center of the clearing.

I smiled. I was pleased that she loved the spot. My gut feeling had been right about bringing here first. I walked towards her and set down the picnic basket. I unrolled the blanket and she helped me spread it out on the grass. "I stumbled upon it when I was just a kid. No one knows that I know this place exists, not even my mum. I used to come here when I wanted to be alone and just think," I answered her as I settled on the blanket.

She was still beaming when she sat down next to me. Her eyes rested on me and I resisted the urge to tuck a lock of hair that had gotten loose from the part of her hair she'd pinned back. With sparkling eyes, she regarded me. I wanted desperately to know what she was thinking. Suddenly she put her hand on my leg and leaned forward. For a moment I panicked until she gave me a peck on the cheek and then I blushed the color of sunsets. 'Thank you for sharing your secret place with me, Harry. It's a very lovely thing for you to do," she said.

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say and she still had her hand on my leg. I gazed at her hand and she cleared her throat as she retracted it. I cleared my throat as well and said, "Your welcome." Then I laid back on the blanket to gaze up into the sky and ponder what I was feeling.